Hello wonderful people!
This past week was incredible. I learned so much about who I am and what I actually care about, and I have felt so much more like myself than I have in a long time.
Here are some of the biggest highlights—
I went camping for the first time in four years! Some friends and I visited three national parks in three days and it was an absolute blast! Fighting hostile currents through five-and-a-half miles of submerged trail in the Zion Park Narrows was the most fun I’ve had in ages and it’s been FAR too long since I’ve let myself cut loose like that.
I made a concerted effort to openly share what I am feeling and doing with my friends and family while still asking engaged questions, and so my conversations have been much more satisfying for everyone involved.
I started teaching myself the piano again and have been able to learn the first few chords of one of my all-time favorite love songs.
I’ve been getting up at 5:30 every day to go for a run in my school’s on-campus gardens and to do some scripture study outside. The time spent exercising, enjoying the beautiful gardens, and investing in my spirituality have done so much good for my mental health, and I feel so much more alive than I have in most of the past year.
And saving the best for last: I finally learned how to ride a bike! I’ve neglected to finish learning that lesson for years and I had no idea how easy it would be when I finally just sent it. I also learned how to fix an old broken bike that a friend was getting rid of. I have enjoyed the feeling of the wind in my hair and chain grease on my hands much more than I ever thought I would after two decades of avoiding this particular life lesson.
These are all things that I’ve been wanting to do for a long time, but that I’ve allowed to fall by the wayside as I’ve tried to wade through a landslide of busywork and projects and necessities and chores and mindless digital content consumption. I let myself neglect so many of the things that I know give me genuine joy because those things all take a lot of time and attention and consistent effort.
When I get home from work or school and I feel exhausted, why should I invest energy in writing a story that I care about when I can just pull up Youtube and aimlessly binge nature documentaries and other content? When my alarm goes off, why should I get up early to run through the gardens when I could “enjoy” a few more futile minutes snuggled up in my covers? Why should I put effort into driving across the state on a camping trip when I can just chill at home with a low-effort video game? Why spend the energy?
Well, because I’m happier when I do, that’s why.
While my life has been functional, I feel like I’ve mostly been surviving lately, not thriving like I want to. I haven’t been living as intentionally as I know I need to in order to really feel satisfied as I want to.
It’s safe and easy to just coast, to isolate, to slack off and waste time on meaningless things: a web of tangled wires and fake satisfaction that has taken too much of my life so far. And when I do, I feel numbed to the world, like I’m thinking through molasses and can’t feel clearly. It's like I’m stuck in an emotional neutral gear.
It’s hard and scary to snatch the reins of my life, to put myself out there and share who I am with the world, to fully commit myself to the spiritual and emotional work that brings me true joy. But oh, is it wonderful to do things that give me the chance to think and feel deeply again! In the few weeks since I decided to change some of the things in my life, I am finally feeling like myself again.
I hope that I can continue to keep the changes I am making, that I won’t slide back into just coasting. I am loving where this ride is taking me, and I want to keep my grip on the reins forever.
